Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
