Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
where are my eyebrows?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
