I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
