The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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