I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
