Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
