Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
