The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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