My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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