my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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