I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
