I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
