So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
