We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Randomize
