if i can run in heels then i can drive
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
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