Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
