i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
