Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I queefed so loud it echoed.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Randomize
