I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
