i love accidental penises.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
