I just cut my nipple shaving
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Randomize
