Dude my mom stole all your condoms
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
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