I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
