six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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