I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
