I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
