The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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