yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
