so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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