I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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