Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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