can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
