I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
