My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
