Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
