did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
