i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
