just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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