My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
