Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
