i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
