You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
