His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
