Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
