So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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