I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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