Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
