I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
