Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Randomize
