I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
