He is an equal opportunity slut.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
