we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
