Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
