Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
