This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Randomize
