i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
